After reviewing the Soothing Body Lotion and the PMS Rescue, I gladly accepted the offer to review the Butters Lube Sampler. I have heard so many amazing things about all of the lubes from The Butters, so to finally get the chance to test them all is wonderful. I am a true Butters convert!
If you’re more of a visual person, I have started making review videos on my Instagram! The video review for this trio is up now!
Palm grease, AKA the lube for ‘dick stroking, fist fucking, and other high viscosity needs’. This lube is so multi functional. It’s the thickest Butters lube that you can get and it lasts a good long while. You can use this for all your sexual needs as well as bodily needs. It’s great for your skin because of the natural fatty acids and smooths even the roughest hands.
Cocoa Butter Lube
If you’ve tried any cocoa butter product you know how amazing it smells, and this is no different. The Cocoa Butter Lube is fantastic, although undoubtedly my least favorite of the bunch. It takes a bit of heat to get this lube moving but once it does, it works like a charm. This is a great option for those of you who have various allergies and have a hard time finding a lube.
Aloe and Shea Lube
The Aloe and Shea Butter Lube is my favorite, for a good reason, it’s the original! This was the first lube that The Butters created. They’ve reformulated it to make it that much more incredible. It’s definitely the lightest and loosest of the batch, which doesn’t make it easy for hardcore sex usage, but it feels the best on my skin. It’s so silky and luxurious!
I was sent The Butters Lube Sampler Pack for free from The Butters Hygienics in exchange for my honest review. If you wish for me to review one or more of your products, contact me! I would love to hear from you!
Cleanliness is next to godliness, and when it comes to keeping your sex toys clean, it is an act of god. A mandatory exercise! Because no matter how much pleasure you derive from it, the toy needs to be squeaky clean and ready to use on the go!
So how do we go ahead and keep them clean and sparkling? This has been a question on our minds for a long time. Please remember, just water will not do, that dildo needs to be germ-free before it touches your nerves. The reason is plain and simple- our bodies, no matter how incredible they are, are a hive for the germs.
Be it the tongue or the vagina, they provide not just the moment of madness but plenty of microorganisms too. While that doesn’t mean the body is a bag full of dirt, the possibility of a bacterial buildup on the toys is for real.
The benefit of regularly cleaning the toys are manifold, it keeps them well serviced and hence the longevity. When they are serviced well, their performance will speak for itself. No woman would want her best rabbit vibrator shut off in the middle of a climax. The idea is to be as careful as possible. While you may want the sex to be dirty, you surely will not want the toys to be dirty too.
The ideal routine is to wash them before every use as well as after the use. Every sex toy comes with cleaning instructions and that needs to be followed. Also, the cleaning instructions vary with the material.
What Cleans What and How?
If it is made of silicone, glass, or wood and has a motor attached to it, the best way to get rid of those pestering microbes is with an antibacterial soap. After you have washed it well, wipe it clean with a dry cloth.
If it’s silicone, stainless steel, or stone and does not have a motor attached to it, hot water does the trick. Place them under hot water for a full 10 minutes and the results would be fruitful. One can run it through the dishwater too without even need of the soap. The steam will take care of the germs.
Leather gives you pleasure. However, it is also an exotic material and needs a lot of attention. The product needs to be wiped with a damp cloth soaked in soap. One can also use a leather cleaner. Friendly advice, never soak the leather. It will lose its texture and softness forever. After it has been cleaned, use a leather conditioner to recondition it. Leather toys have metal parts attached to it. To protect them from rusting, use nail polish. One cleaning hack that has never failed.
However, probably the best way to clean your sex toys are special toy cleaning products, but also not all of them. Antibacterial soaps as well as alcohol that can be found in many sex toy cleaning products can dry out your sex toy. When buying a sex toy cleaner, you should keep an eye on several ingredients. We recommend avoiding alcohol, triclosan, parabens and glycerine as those are harsh chemicals and can be harmful to your body.
In case you’re wondering which one is a good choice, here’s one – Intimate Earth Green Foaming Toy Cleaner, sold by MedAmour. And not only are the ingredients great, but this cleaner does a great job with silicone, glass and stainless steel toys.
Why the fuss?
Sex toys are primarily tools that will be used over the human body and some, a few inches inside. That makes them high precision tools of sorts. Pun apart, before buying a sex toy, remember to check how body safe is it. Or whether the material that has been used to build these toys are safe for the human body.
Materials like jelly, Cyberskin, vinyl and rubber should best be avoided, they are porous and generally difficult to maintain. Porous materials have pockets within their structure that can collect body fluids, which is a conducive environment for germs. That is why, non-porous objects are easy to maintain, and hence they last longer too.
Should you use toys made of said materials, we recommend using condoms. Not only are they almost impossible to clean, but materials like vinyl and rubber can contain dangerous chemicals (phthalates) which are dangerous for your skin. So the best you can do is to stay away.
Nothing works better than boiling. Simply insert the toys into a mug of boiling water and let it take care of all the germs that. Be careful of some toys though. And this is important for the ones which have a motor attached to it, check whether it is detachable. If yes, the battle is won. Separate, splash the part minus the motor into hot water. Take it out and wipe it clean.
Lovemaking is a pleasurable experience and a memorable one too, if everything planned stays on course. However, safety trumps all, and with our how to keep sex toys clean advisory, you can go one notch up and turn it harder.
Spices of Lust is a blog created by Leja and Luka, a couple in their mid-20’s. Initially, Spices of Lust was supposed to be a place to share our journey exploring sexuality, but it evolved to be so much more. Both of them enjoy crafting content related to sex and that is why, their blog is home to many guides, ideas, sex toy reviews, and occasional erotic stories. Since they moved to the US, not even 2 years ago, Spices of Lust gained traction and got picked in Top 100 sex blogs of 2019 as well as Top 10 new blogs of 2019. When they are not taking pictures of dildos or writing about floggers, Luka enjoys cooking and Leja enjoys eating. Find them online @spicesoflust
My name is Holly and I am submissive. I know, it sounds like a 12-step introduction, but submission is a very particular sexual identification in the BDSM community and I am rather proud of that association. I did not choose submission or this lifestyle; I am submissive and I am a part of the lifestyle whether I participate actively or not. In fact, I eat, breath, sleep, write about, fantasize about, and feel submission in every aspect of my life. I use what I have learned through submissive play in both my personal and professional life.
However, as with many things in life, submission comes with suffering. To say I wasn’t prepared for the disappointments is an understatement. But as the Buddhists say, “no mud, no lotus.” If we know how to use the mud, or pain, we can learn to grow beautiful lotuses, or joy. We cannot seek or focus on pleasure exclusively as we may begin to believe emotional pain is something to avoid at all costs. There are lessons in that pain, and I’m about to share some of mine.
Sub frenzy is a crazy roller coaster ride that comes with no warning. It was like a switch had turned on and all of my senses were suddenly alive and raw. I became unhinged and my inner slut emerged. I hungered for Domination. I didn’t care if He ever wanted to see me again, I simply never wanted the feeling to end. Every bite, slap, orgasm, and bruise sent me into a state of euphoria more pleasurable than anything I had experienced. I wanted to be used 24/7. I lacked discernment and I did not ask appropriate questions. As a result, I placed myself into some very unsafe situations that I am grateful to have come out of unharmed.
Along with meeting with Dominants, I was reading everything I could get my hands on regarding the various types of submissives and the kinds of relationships that existed. I joined Fetlife and started learning about kinks. All I wanted to do was talk about my newfound self, but I didn’t have any friends in the lifestyle. I had read about a term called “subsister,” but how the hell was I supposed to make female friends when all I cared about is being choked, gagged, spanked, and disciplined? Frenzy is this crazy, slutty little minx that wants her way and doesn’t care about the consequences.
Frenzy may come and go for a submissive, but for me it lasted almost a year. It wasn’t until I experienced a particular Dominant that my mind quieted and I understood what I am and who I was meant for. I saw and felt my purpose so clearly that frenzy subsided. It was a relief, to be honest. Now that I am out of frenzy, I can see its importance and see how pivotal it was in shaping me as a submissive. I was free and open and I didn’t have any judgments about what I would or wouldn’t do. Playtime was my classroom and I wanted a PhD in submission. Now I know my submission is constantly evolving and there is no limit on what I can learn or experience.
During sub frenzy, I wanted to tell everyone about this fantastic thing I had discovered about myself. My passion for BDSM was oozing from every pore in my body. I was so overwhelmed and excited, I didn’t realize – or remember – how closed minded most of society is about sexual taboos. Until the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) was released in 2013, BDSM was considered a deviant behavior and could warrant loss of children in a custody battle. BDSM was not dinner table conversation and there are a lot of misconceptions of the lifestyle.
Regardless of that fact, I began telling friends of my new found self, and I was met with both negative and inflammatory reactions. I was called a slut, a sex addict, a doormat, ignorant, and stupid among other things. I was confused at their responses. These were my friends and they knew me. Some said I was going through a phase and it would pass, mid-life crisis even. I was given an ultimatum from my best friend at the time to get professional help or the friendship would end.
There was nothing medically wrong with me and that I was a consenting adult, so the friendship ended. To be judged, labeled and abandoned for my sexual preference was humiliating, and it opened up a new world of understanding regarding all types of lifestyles. This was a really painful lesson and I learned to stay quiet and hide. I learned that no matter how progressive the world may seem, conversations around sexual behaviors and practices are still very uncomfortable for most individuals, and here I was singing the praises of ropes and riding crops. I had to make new friends. BDSM is about community and sharing experiences, and this journey is not meant to be taken alone. Slowly, I began to find new, kinky friends and I felt safe discussing my needs and asking questions.
FINDING A PARTNER
I was recently single after a 19 year marriage and I was re-entering the dating pool in the age of technology. It was scary as fuck, and I felt so far out of my comfort zone. But it was dating that led to my discovery of BDSM and my unbridled passion for it. A chance conversation with a man I had been seeing changed my life forever. We explored a bit of bondage and I experienced surrender for the very first time. The freedom and release I experienced in that singular moment was a rebirth. I was forever changed I could not go back to vanilla sex.
I began to read about submission the next day and I joined Fetlife. It didn’t take long before the messages came flooding in (Dominants love a newbie submissive). There are also a few dating sites that are for kink minded individuals. I have had success with both Kinkd and Feeld. That being said, on all three sites, anyone can say they are Dominant and they can say they are looking for exactly the same things. I learned the hard way most Dominants just want to play and do not want the responsibility that goes along with engaging with a submissive – I will get to that subject later on.
There was a lot of excitement around potential partners that was followed by heartbreak. No matter how well I communicated my desires and needs, I was left with the same result after playtime; silence. Finding a good match is extremely difficult. Dating conversations in the kink realm generally begin with, “so what are you looking for?” Sex is usually the first topic on the table and it all begins to look like a negotiation. I learned that if our kinks and sexual desires didn’t align, I didn’t want to take the time to meet. I learned to ask questions like, “how do you manage sub drop,” and “have you ever had a D/s relationship?” I learned to feel into my intuition and energy and pick up on social cues from the very first message.
In the beginning, however, I was hungry for attention and domination. Sub frenzy is insatiable and she wants whatever interaction she can get. But I learned to place some very strict boundaries around offering myself to a Dominant. Submission is a gift we present to a deserving partner. It is not something to be demanded in the first conversation. No, I will not be calling you Sir or Master from the start. I have learned to say no and trusted a gentleman would show himself eventually.
The most painful aspect of submission for me is sub drop. Sub drop is an emotional and physical experience that mirrors depression. It is a result of crashing hormones after a very intense scene with a partner. It can also occur when a relationship ends with a Dominant. Drop can range from mild symptoms of fatigue to overwhelming feelings of dread and physical pain. The first time I experienced sub drop I had no idea what was happening to me. I felt confused, depressed, scared, unworthy, shame, physical pain, exhaustion, and bewilderment.
I had engaged in several scenes with one particular Dominant over a three week period. Our sessions were intense and sex was transcendent, leaving me floating on clouds for days. There was not enough time in between our sessions for me to come down, so when I finally experienced a drop, it was like crashing into a brick wall and I was alone. The Dominant neither warned me of drop nor supported me through it. He did not return my messages or calls and was completely unavailable to me. His silence added to my feelings of shame and abandonment. It was another Dominant friend that noticed what was happening and he guided and supported me while I navigated my way out of it. I am forever grateful for his assistance and his selfless act of service toward me.
Each submissive experiences drop differently, and the time frame ranges for each of us. What I have learned about myself is that I experience a drop three to five days after a scene, depending on its intensity. So while a Dominant is cuddling me after our session that very same night believing he is giving me after care, I don’t generally want closeness at that time. I am still in a euphoric state feeling all the sensations in my body; I am energized, alert and over stimulated. Any effort of care and connection at that time are somewhat lost on me. I now try to take some of that affection in as I know what will happen to me in the days to come. Regardless of whether I receive after care in the coming days from a partner or not, I have incorporated some practices to care for myself. I make sure to rest, drink lots of water, eat properly for my body, and get gentle exercise. I try to get outside in the sun and walk. I take baths and indulge in self care.
Submissives become another version of themselves during drop and our behavior is quite unpredictable during this time. We will say and feel ridiculous things about ourselves and our partners. We may even act out and seek pleasure or attention from another Dominant to fill the perceived void. This need for validation and reassurance is intense and as important as air. Not every Dominant is willing to guide us through this critical time, but they should be. It is ok to be needy and scared and crave affection and attention. It is ok to feel bad about what happened during a scene and to question our desires and values. What is not okay is for the Dominant to be unavailable during this time. This was an extremely difficult learning curve for me, and I have accepted that there are no guarantees a partner will be able to meet your needs after a session.
NO MUD, NO LOTUS
Despite all that I have highlighted above, being submissive is who I am; this lifestyle is not a choice for me.. The lows of this journey are as equally important as the highs, and the growth I have experienced is priceless. I have learned to communicate my needs, to create boundaries and, most importantly, how to say no. I have forged some beautiful relationships with Dominants, submissives and myself. And the most profound aspect is that the journey never ends. I evolve as a human when I put myself out there and take risks. I have learned to use my suffering as a gateway to understanding and realizing true happiness. No mud, no lotus my friends.
Holly Deeply is a submissive/sacred slut living in Southern California. Writing allows her to share her experiences and passion for BDSM. Healing through D/s play and writing about it is something she hopes to inspire in others living their truth through submission.
I was on the hunt for some more small businesses to work with when I got in contact with The Butters. They asked which product I was interested in reviewing. After telling them that I have PCOS, they recommended me trying the PMS Rescue Cream, and it was better than I could have imagined!
PMS Rescue is hand made using all vegan ingredients. There are an abundance luxurious oils like coconut, soy, and grape seed. To make things even softer, they add in aloe and shea. There are many other incredible ingredients, but to make this the PMS Rescue, they add Epsom Salt, Peppermint, Neem, Evening Primrose, Clary Sage, and Lemongrass.
When I used this, I had some back pain and cramps. When I went to sleep, I rubbed this all over my lower back and pelvic area. The smell of this cream lulled me right to sleep and I slept amazing! I woke up feeling refreshed and my skin had never felt better.
Unfortunately, there is one big negative to this product. Since all the materials and ingredients are natural, with no added chemicals, the smell that I woke up to the next morning was not entirely pleasant. I’m not sure why or what happened. When using this cream specifically, make sure you’re able to continually rub it in, cover it with another cream, and/or wash it off before letting it sit on you for an extremely extended period of time.
Even with the not so pleasant morning after smell, after trying this product, you can bet your moisturized behind that I will soon be stocking my home with as many Butters products that I can. I love supporting small businesses even more so when all of the products are hand made! There is so much love put into every single bottle. Please, try The Butters for yourself!
I was sent the PMS Rescuese for free by The Butters Hygienicsin exchange for my honest review. If you wish for me to review one or more of your products, contact me! I would love to hear from you!
The Geo C Ring is a amazing cock ring for those who have experience using them and even those who have not. The really nice simple geometric pattern on the outside makes it a little more interesting than just your average silicone c ring. This is just a very nice option to amplify those intimate moments.
The Geo C Ring is made of a stretchy, satin finished silicone. Because it has no motors, it is waterproof and submersible and it is super easy to clean. The outside diameter is 1.75 in and the whole thing is about half of an inch wide.
This is just a classic cock ring. It’s about medium stretchy so if you tried other super stretchy silicone cock rings this might be a little bit of a step up. It is quite a bit tighter and it doesn’t stretch nearly as much as some other basic silicone cock rings I’ve used. You might want to try starting at just the base of the penis and if you’re comfortable with that move to underneath the balls and just kind of see what you like. But as always with cock rings, you should use a nice, water based lube. It just makes the whole experience a little more pleasant.
I would say that if you are on in the market for a very simple, travel friendly cock ring that is actually pretty to look at, I would definitely consider trying this. I’ve tried a few different c-rings and this one is just as good as all the rest, so it’s really up to you on what you’re looking for. But with the quality of silicone, the stretchiness, and the price of this one, you can’t really go wrong.
You can get the Blush Novelties Geo C right HERE and use the code PINKSPACELIME for 10% off!!
I was sent the Geo C Ring for free in exchange for my honest review. If you wish for me to review one or more of your products, contact me! I would love to hear from you!
We’re coming to the end of the year (AND THE DECADE!), so I thought it would be really fun to make a list of all of the products that I have reviewed and fallen in love with this year. I’ll post the links to the blog posts as well as any affiliate links that might be attached to said product. Enjoy!!
I picked the Blush Novelties Noje Quiver for my top spot simply because of how surprised I was by it. In the past, I had always said that pinpoint stimulation doesn’t work for me, but this toy proved that statement wrong. I love this product (and how fast it makes me cum!)
Get the Noje Quiver HERE! Plus you’ll receive $10 off your first order AND free shipping on orders over $55 when you use the code PINKSPACELIME!
The Reece and Rose Mini Massage Wand is a must have for any toy collection. It’s body safe, powerful, and it’s cheap! Reece and Rose makes sure that, no matter who you are, you can always afford to love and pleasure yourself.
Intimate Earth Green Foaming Cleanser is a game changer. This stuff has a multitude of uses. You can use it on your toys and its safe enough to use on your skin in your daily routine. It smells so fresh and leaves your toys squeaky clean, naturally!
Get the Intimate Earth Green Foaming Toy Cleaner HERE!
The Play Mate After Care Towel is wonderful! It is so soft and plush, it will never irritate your skin. The amount that even this little towel can absorb is astonishing. Any little mess will be dry in an instant!
We all want to spice up our sex life once in a while, but sometimes we just don’t have the means to get super fancy. That’s why I’m writing this post. I want you to be able to have as much fun as possible, in and out of the bedroom, with your partner(s). I know there are loads of these types of posts out there, but it never hurts to have more options.
When you’re looking for new items to freshen things up, always be aware of safety. Make sure you’re not putting unsafe items into your body, or using items in a way that could injure you. For this reason, I am just going to list some of the objects that I have used in the past, and some safe ways of using said objects.
Ice cubes are REALLY fun for sensation play. Our bodies are naturally warm, so putting anything on them that immediately cools, will make for a wonderful feeling. On the body, you can run the ice cubes against the skin, or you can hold the ice cubes in your hand above your partner, letting the cold water drip on them. The latter never fails to get a really fun gasp out of me when the first drip hits my skin. For oral it’s pretty simple. Just hold the ice cube in your mouth before going to town on your partner. The ice cube will have cooled your tongue to be just different enough for an amazing feeling on the genitals.
Kitchen utensils work as a great introduction to impact play before investing in the more ‘normal’ or ‘kinkier’ toys. You can use silicone spatulas, wooden spoons, metal icing tool for cakes, etc. The options are pretty limitless. Just keep in mind safety, as I have mentioned before and will continue mentioning until I am blue in the face. Do your research. Figure out the safe zones on the body, especially when diving into any form of impact play.
Scarf, Neck Tie, Sleeping Mask, ETC
This category is very unspecific. You can use multiple items for multiple uses. You can use scarves, neck ties, a sleeping mask, or, hell, even a t shirt if you have one that is large and thin enough. Make a blindfold and play with different sensations, use a scarf or necktie to make some easy hand cuffs, the sky is the limit. There is no reason why you should need to purchase anything for these types of basic play. Plus it can be really sexy and fun.
Clothes pins are…very interesting. This is something that I would only recommend for the people who can handle a little bit of pain, because they’re not gentle. My favorite way of using clothes pins is on my nipples, but ever since I got actual nipple clamps, they haven’t seen much use. Some of the other, kinkier, uses for clothes pins could be full body clamping or labial pinching. Like I said, probably not for the vanilla players, but hey, you never know if something’s your kink until you try it.
I really wanted to add something to this list that wasn’t an object. Spanking doesn’t require anything except a little knowledge and your hand. You might think, why spanking? Well, for one, it’s really fun, and two, it’s a lot more complicated than one might think. There’s the basic spank of hand to ass cheek, but have you thought about changing it up a bit? Play with the way your fingers are spread out, learn the different areas that are safe to spank on and around the bum. There’s so much more to spanking than just the basic way you see in movies or even in porn (because lets be fair, some porn can be fairly vanilla, unless you know where to look).
I am not an expert in anything. These are just my opinions and my experiences. If you have any questions, please do your own research and ask the proper people. I am not responsible for any injury that may or may not occur in using the objects and items mentioned above.
First things first, I’m not here to tell you what squirting is. A few minutes on Google will bring up so many websites that will tell you, in way more detail, what squirting is and different ways to do it. I am simply going to tell you about my life as a squirter and what that means, for me.
I’ve always been able to squirt and, to me, being a squirter means making a huge mess. I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not it’s actually pee (which it totally isn’t…I think), I’ve been worshiped for it, and mocked for it. Needless to say, I have a mixed history with with squirting. I also feel like I squirt…weird. Almost every single website about ‘how to squirt’ makes it seem like it’s only a g-spot thing. That isn’t the case with me. I ONLY squirt from clitoral orgasms.
I recently posted a blog about my lack of orgasm. I am still (sort of) unsure about why I have such a hard time. I deduced that mental illness and medications may be mostly to blame, but I didn’t want that to just be the end of it. I kept experimenting and really trying to understand my body more. After a few weeks of that, I had the realization that sometimes I lose my orgasm because am a squirter. Not in the ‘I’ve squirted a little a few times’ kind of way, but in the way that, for me, is actually sort of embarrassing. I make a huge mess and knowing that prevents me from fully letting go.
I’ve only squirted with a couple of my partners (mostly because I was faking almost all my orgasms from go to 20, but that’s a story for another time). The first time I squirted in front of someone and not just by myself, the look on their face was pure joy. I still don’t understand why since it’s so normal for me and I had seen it so many times in porn. I thought ‘isn’t this what everyone does?’. Oh boy was I wrong. I got an ear full after that.
Unfortunately, I learned that being a squirter isn’t always such a magical thing. At one point I squirted so hard there was HUGE spot of the bed covered in it. I was so surprised at the amount that I texted my boyfriend at the time with a photo. His response was “I hope you’re cleaning that up…”, which he meant as a joke, but I did not take it that way. I was so insecure about the fact that it happens that I didn’t do it again for months. I felt disgusting.
While that definitely left me with some scarring, I bounced back fairly quickly on the orgasm front. I learned new ways to have orgasms that didn’t involve squirting and, even though it was definitely difficult to control something that comes naturally to me, I managed, until recently.
Ever since I figured that out, and become ok with it, I’ve been able to have way more orgasms. Yes, I mess up the sheets almost every time I come, but I don’t always have that mental wall blocking me. If you need to squirt, fucking squirt. While some people may not like it (I suggest mentioning it before you get freaky with someone), anyone who makes you feel like shit about it doesn’t deserve your come all over them.
My advice to anyone who wants to squirt is experiment with yourself, let yourself go, and invest in some amazing clean up towels, which I will be doing a review for later on. There is more than one way to squirt and you need to find your way, and if you can’t, don’t worry, not everyone can. The hardest part about accepting this about myself is that it needs to happen. If I don’t squirt once in a while, my body literally starts rejecting my orgasms. It’s great…
I have said this so many times, especially when it comes to sex and kink, there is no such thing as normal. Normal is whatever you want it to be. If you’re married with 3 kids, ‘normal’ might be once a month. If you’re newly dating someone you find insanely attractive, ‘normal’ might be once per day. That isn’t including SO many other factors that come into play. The most important thing is any relationship is communication. Only you can know what you need and what works for you.
Because this is such a common question, I really wanted to get other peoples opinions and advice on it. I reached out to Korppi King and Kaja Echo to help me put into words what a ‘normal’ sex life might look like. Read what these awesome humans have to say about it below!
This is not an easy question to answer, because there really isn’t a right answer. How much sex is normal to someone depends entirely upon the person, their partners, and even elements of their environment and upbringing. Despite the repetition of sexual standards in magazines, movies, and sitcoms, sex isn’t a one-size-fits-all thing. Sure, books and magazines will tell you that a married couple should be having sex at least three times a week, and you’ll hear people say that you should have at least three orgasms a day, but, in reality, it’s difficult to say how much is too little, just enough or too much without taking individuality into account. Sex and how often you have it is a question of complex, personal, and dynamic rhythms and desires that you can’t really quantify with an easy answer.
Sexual appetite varies from person to person, as does our need for sex within a relationship (if, in fact, that’s how you’re choosing to have sex). Some people need sex. Some people don’t. Some people don’t like sex physically, but may feel attraction to other people. Some people don’t feel sexual attraction or desire, but may or may not enjoy the physical sensations associated with sex. And taking our masturbation habits and our nuanced definitions of the word “sex” into consideration only muddies the situation further. Do we count masturbation in our measurement of our appetite for sex? Or do we count only the acts we perform with other people? In that case, where do we draw the line—mutual masturbation, hand jobs, cunnilingus, or just penetrative sex? No matter how we define and measure sex, the answer will still be different for everyone. Just look at the sexual appetites in my own house, for example. I usually want or need to have sex every other day if not once a day. Sometimes more often. Of my two partners, one needs to have sex about five times a week and the other (typically) wants or needs it much less often. None of us is right or wrong. There’s not really a baseline from which any of us deviates. We’re all just different from each other in how much sex we want.
Environmental, emotional, physical and mental changes can also impact our sex lives. Whether it’s a change in our diet or daily routine or a psychological event or change, our sexual appetites respond to fluctuations in and around us. Some people, for example, respond to depression and anxiety by shutting down their sexual systems. Some people have the completely opposite reaction. Even if we don’t realize it, our health, self image, energy level and mindset plays a big part in how aroused and arousing we feel. And so do changes in around relationships or in our routines with each other. I can’t tell you how much my libido spiked when one of my partners and I took ballroom dance classed together—nor can I try to explain how little sexual energy I felt when the same partner and I went to a tantric sex workshop just a month later. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense—and maybe it’s a change we don’t even notice—but it impacts our sex life and temporarily changes our definition of normal.
Simply put, there is no normal. Not for everyone. Instead of asking yourself how much sex is normal, try asking “How much sex is healthy and comfortable for me?” Ask yourself first if your needs are met and if you are comfortable and satisfied without the amount of sex you’re having. If the answer to those questions is yes, ask yourself if the amount of sex you have is hurting you, hurting someone else, or hampering your ability to function in the rest of your life at or above your functionality baseline. If the answer is no, it could be worth taking some time to reevaluate your sex attitudes and routines.
Most of us have deeply ingrained, socially reinforced ideas about how much and what kind of sex we should be having. Media of all kinds is constantly showing us imagery of happy couples boning for hours every single day of the week. We’re also told that if you want sex *too* much, there must be something wrong with you. It’s hard to navigate these images without the feeling that you’re coming up short in some way.
So what’s the “right” amount of sex to have? What is normal? If you do a Google search using the question posed, you’ll find millions of results and article after article about sexual desire and communication. Everyone has a different opinion and many of these opinions change from year to year.
The level of sexual desire one has will always vary! There is no “normal.” Strike that word from your vocabulary now. Whatever you enjoy safely and consensually is a-okay!
If you feel that you’re not having enough sex, take an inventory of how you’re feeling overall. Have you been sick recently or do you have a chronic illness or disability that makes having sex less than optimal for you at times? Are you stressed about things going on at work or at home? Maybe you’re just plain tired and not getting enough sleep. If you have a partner(s), how’s your relationship going? Are you feeling disconnected in any way? It might be a good time to do an emotional check-in with your partner about how you’re both feeling if you haven’t been getting it on recently. They might also be experiencing a low sex drive or their own stresses or aches. Communicate your needs and see if that helps you get back on track.
If you feel that you’re having *too* much sex, well… you probably aren’t unless it’s distressing to you, you’re finding it difficult to accomplish other, non-sexual things, or it’s physically hurting you and/or your partner(s). If everything’s cool on those fronts, I say keep on having fun and don’t worry that you’re abnormal. You’re not. You just like a lot of sex!
I recommend some time and energy devoted to determining what amount of sex feels right to you. Do some journaling; make some notes about your own desire. How much sex feels healthy? Are there times when your drive is overwhelming? Are you worried about your lack of libido? What might stand in the way?
It’s also really important to ask these questions of yourself before communicating with your partner(s) about what you need and want. But I do highly recommend discussing these issues with your partner and checking in about what works for them.
All in all, dear reader, I hope you know that ideas of what’s “normal” shift over time and are based on social mores of whatever time we’re living in. The frequency with which most adults have sex now would probably be unheard of a hundred years ago. And a hundred years from now, it will be different again. As long as you’re staying safe and healthy and consensual, have as much or as little sex as you’d like. It’s ALL good!
*Unfortunately, after finishing this piece I found out that Korppi King is no longer on social media. If she ever decides to recreate her social media profiles, I will update this post with her new information!
Recently, some of you may have noticed me talking a lot about my ‘missing’ orgasms. It’s not like I don’t have them, they are just very hard to come by. It makes me sad, mad, frustrated, and sometimes a little crazy. My own personal mental and physical health issues are huge factors, I know this, but I can’t be alone. I need to know that I am not the only person who can’t cum within mere minutes of diddling.
My solo orgasm, with a toy, took approx 25 minutes. The average ‘aroused’ vulva having person takes about 20 minutes to orgasm, while the average penis having person only takes about 5 minutes. That is just the average. In reality, I’m with a partner that has a hard time lasting 5 minutes, and I last much longer than the ‘average’ 25 minutes. Not really a great mix. We’re definitely working on it all. With him we’ve tried cock rings and other methods, which seem to be working great, so don’t feel too bad.
Some (bio)logical reasons for my lack of orgasms or difficulty finding them could be my anti anxiety meds or my PCOS. It’s fairly common for anti anxiety meds to reduce libido so that could be something to explore. I am currently taking 40mg of Prozac every day, which isn’t the highest dosage but I take it alongside Buspirone. Prozac is one of the worst SSRIs for sexual drive, so there’s really no surprise there. I am actually going to start halving my dosage gradually to see how that affects everything. Unfortunately, it can take up to 2 months to start to see any changes.
With PCOS, my hormones are all sorts of fucked up so I’m sure that plays into it sometimes. Also, with PCOS, changes in libido are very common. Low testosterone levels usually lead to a low libido. On the other hand, like me, high testosterone issues lead to high libido, but it also leads to some other not-so-attractive issues. Besides libido, PCOS may be a factor in sensitivity and mental health problems surrounding the illness.
I’ve also found that a lot of my issues come from mental blocks. My ex was abusive as I have talked about many times. He used orgasms as a ‘punishment’ when he was upset. He ended up bruising my pelvic bone a few times with how rough he was with me. I ended up having to continuously fake my orgasms just to get him to stop. As a result, I didn’t have my first partnered orgasm until a couple months into my relationship with my husband. I was sick of lying about it and I told him that I had been faking. It wasn’t until a few days ago that I really understood why.
Within the last few days I have been diving deep into my past and traumas to maybe find something there. Yes, I was abused as a child, yes, I had an extremely abusive ex, but I never saw anything there to indicate why those events were affecting what was happening now, with the exception of the fact that I still have some insecurities about whether or not I ‘deserve’ to be worshiped and given orgasms, even solo.
Most of the time I feel like my partner is getting bored or is hurting his arm/legs/jaw in some way because it’s taking too long. He has REPEATEDLY told me this is not the case. He loves making me cum no matter how long it takes because he likes to think of it as a fun challenge. One of his favorite things is watching me get off and maybe that pressure doesn’t help. The idea that I can’t a lot of the time makes me feel so self conscious and frustrated. I feel like I’m letting both of us down. I’m a sex blogger for fucks sake. My job is to have orgasms.
I also found out a weird thing. Before my accident, when I hated my body, I was entirely able to have partnered orgasms and easy solo orgasms. Now, I love my body and it’s the hardest thing in the world. Maybe before I thought about my body so entirely that the other stuff never came to mind, and now I have nothing to distract myself from the possibility of being annoying.
As for solo orgasms, I feel like a major factor in my issues with those is the expectation of an orgasm. I cannot stop thinking about what will get me off versus what feels really good. I mean, it all feel amazing, but even when I’m just playing with myself, I get the anxiety thoughts of ‘this is taking too long, you’re not normal’.
I was reading another sex blog the other day and the author was saying that 10 minutes to orgasm was a long time and it was frustrating for her. While I do understand that every body and mind is different, I would KILL to have an orgasm in 10 minutes. This is definitely the type of stuff that I should not be focusing on, but most of the time I can’t help it when thoughts like this pop into my head.
My partner has been so supportive through all of this. His sex drive isn’t as high as mine so sometimes he doesn’t really mind, but he definitely sympathizes with how frustrating this is for me, someone who used to be a 2+ times per day masturbater. While I’m waiting to see if reducing my medication dosage makes things better, we’re still going to work on everything as if that isn’t going to help. Hopefully, eventually, I can focus of the moment instead of that huge pressure to have an orgasm.
Since sex drive, wetness, and most other things that go along with ‘sexual dysfunction’ are not an issue, we’ll continue on the path of toys. Since both of my jobs are all about sex toys, I have a plethora. Changing it up seems to help, but when I’m having a particularly rough couple of weeks, I like to stick to what I know. That way there are no surprises (good or bad). This helps me stay more focused because I know what that particular toy does for me.
When I am having problems for a long period of time, the thing that has worked for me is extreme distraction. I usually blast a fan and some music just to get my mind off of life. The fan is great white noise and the music I chose usually has really harsh beats that I can find a toy or finger rhythm to.
The most important thing that I can express to anyone who is reading this who is having issues is communicate. Whether that be to a partner, a doctor, a therapist, etc, just talk. Make sure the people who need to know (and should know) what is going on inside your head are kept in the loop. Also, of you’re considering going on or off medication ALWAYS talk to a doctor. These types of medications are no joke.