I have been married to an amazing person for almost 10 years. We are best friends, we tell each other everything, we’re open and honest, and we never let things fester. Lately, I had been having some pretty serious thoughts about our relationship. After a couple of weeks of mulling things over, I decided I had thought about it enough on my own and now it was time to sit down and discuss it.
I told him that I had been getting turned on by the idea of another person fucking me, him knowing, and getting turned on by that, or even joining in. I had learned a while ago that a lot of men actually have this fetish as well, so I was curious about his thoughts on all of it. I knew that we had discussed it being his fetish when we first got engaged, but I don’t remember much else around that time.
When we met, I was with an awful human being. This man was physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusive. When I met my husband, he quickly became my best friend, and eventually helped me escape that relationship.
After I had left my ex, I had a lot of healing to do, both from him and from past sexual traumas. Apparently, for me to heal, I needed to block out certain chunks of time from around the end of that relationship, to about 6 months into my new one. I had no idea that I had done this, until my husband mentioned that we had actually started practicing this lifestyle, and apparently I had a part time girlfriend. We would would fool around while he was at work, and then at one point, we had a threesome…all for me.
It was like one of those movie moments. The camera pans in really fast on my eyes as they widen from some amazing realization. I FINALLY REMEMBERED! Like most moments in your life when you remember a lot of stuff all at once, I got very emotional. I realized that my past traumas had prevented me from just BEING for a large chunk of my life and I was remembering all the things my brain had allowed me to forget. It was rough.
I was suddenly remembering all of the trauma my ex had put me through, specifically sexually, and I hated him so much more. I allowed this piece of shit to ruin my self image. He took away my ability to love myself and to feel like I deserved to be loved. He put me in so many situations that I hated myself for and forced a lifestyle onto me that I wasn’t ready for. He knew this, but never cared. One of the major non-physical traumas that happened during our relationship was, for a whole week he was fucking 2 other people and telling me that he was at the hospital with his grandfather. I only learned about that one after I had left him, hence the continued need for healing for a few months after that relationship had ended.
After speeding through all THAT lovely imagery, I got to my current relationship, and all the blocked out chunks of time within it. I remembered all of our conversations about loving each other, the fact that his sex drive isn’t what I need sometimes, and that lack of jealousy isn’t lack of love. Being so young and having gone through all that shit when we got together, I didn’t quite understand why he was so OK with this. I was confused and I thought that him ‘not caring’ about me sleeping with other people for a fetish we had, meant that he’d be out sleeping with people too, all the while telling me that ‘it’s for the fantasy’, and making me believe that I was the one who was wrong and/or crazy.
That was never the case, and in fact, we were extremely hot and heavy during all of this. The only reason why we stopped being part of that lifestyle, was that we moved. It seemed like our move away, forced me to start healing. We never mentioned it again and all of our experiences fell away.
Fast forward to 2018 when I got into my massive car accident and everything changed. Like I’ve mentioned before and in my ‘About’ bio, I suddenly began to love myself again. Having a near death experience can do that. After the accident, we had found our fire again. I was no longer self conscious of my body, so I was extremely free to explore my new found sexuality.
A few months later I began to explore the world of sex work. I LOVED it. After I stopped, I actually missed it, and I started to wonder why. I figured out the reason was because I was being adored and lusted after by other people. That lust and adoration was directly linked to my amazing ‘IRL’ sex life. After I stopped being a sex worker, our sex life slowed down again. It wasn’t as bad as before the accident, but it was definitely noticeable. Since I DID remember that in the past he had mentioned this fetish to me, I decided to take a stab at doing some of my own research. Turns out that’s exactly what I wanted as well.
When we finally sat down to talk, things were amazing. We talked about communication, boundaries, fantasies, and rules. I thought he would be totally against the idea of even discussing it, but after the realization that I probably should have gone to more therapy, things just clicked. I remembered that in my sexual history I had had a grand total of 3 threesomes, and I loved every minute of it. I remember being the center of attention for most of those events and at that point I couldn’t keep my hands off of him. We spent the next hour having amazing sex (since all that talk of other people fucking me was basically hardcore foreplay) and over the next few days we would talk some more.
Now that things are all out in the open, we’re giving it some time. We’ve gone back to having amazing sex, pretty much any time we can, and in a few months we’re going to re-discuss this lifestyle (and possibly give it a try). We’ve done solo research and partnered research all to identify the exact relationship style we’d like to have, so that there is no questioning the rules and boundaries we will be setting.
The reason why I decided to tell you this story is to show you just how important communication and honesty are within ANY type of relationship. Whether that be casual, non monogamous, open, poly, etc, you need to talk. I told him about my ideas, he told me about his worries, and so on. We understand that talking and not letting things get bottled up is the only way that we can successfully explore our options and have a healthy relationship.
[If you need/want to talk about your own experiences please do not hesitate to email me or DM me on social media]